February 24, 2013

Weeks passed and we began to see each other every day.  I started taking new routes to class just so we could walk together and he began getting to campus earlier so we could grab lunch together.  He became my white picket fence.  The perfect finishing touch to my life.  The little extra something I needed to get by.

As my gymnastics season continued, he developed an interest.  He wanted to know what I was spending the majority of my days practicing and what I spent my weekends were consumed with.  February 24th, we had a meet at Southern Connecticut.  It was a close enough drive that he could make the trip alone.  I was knock-your-socks off ecstatic for about 36 seconds and then it hit me.  My mom never misses a meet.  In fact, my aunt visiting from England is going to be there as well.  Even better, this gym is set up stadium style so I will be 20 yards away minimum as they interact for the first time.  This was going to be swell.

He walked into the meet, roses hidden inside his jacket, and smile creeping onto his face.  My chest tightened.  I was drowning in butterflies when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of my own mother and aunt in a pair of cardboard crowns that you find at a fast food restaurant.  The only thing that I could do was shrug.  If he was going to be a part of my life, he would have to become a part of the crazy.

Lucky for me, he did.  I got back to the campus late at night and he was waiting with a question and more importantly, my favorite ice cream.  He was asking me to be his girlfriend.  He wanted me out of every girl he knew to be his.  I was flabbergasted.

HERE TO HELP

There are many things in this world that people forget to tell you.  They'll forget to mention that your first heartbreak won't be the hardest and that if you happen to lose a friend unexpectedly the "what ifs" will be ingrained in your brain.  You won't be told that maybe your thought out timeline for life needs some major adjusting or better yet, it should just be thrown out.  People don't explain that it does not matter where you are or what you do, if you are not happy in your mind, you will not be happy somewhere new.  Moving from place to place to find happiness does not work.  And one of the worst things that you will not be told you ask?  Having to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.

That is what I am here to tell you though.  All of those things, albeit painful and heart wrenching, you are still breathing.  You can shout from the mountain tops and hold your breath under a giant crashing wave.  You have a life to live and a life to love.  There is always beauty in the broken and you will come out of that broken resilient.  Now if you are any bit like I am, there is one question you have right now.  Why?

Your second heartbreak will hurt more than the first because that second person first had to put your heart back together and then re-break it.  They had to break what you took months rebuilding and you know the hard work it took to get where you did.  You will realize that you will have to build yourself up all over again and that is what will really hurt.  It won't be the boy leaving you because we can live without them, it'll be the fear that you won't be able to make yourself feel okay again.  Losing a friend is something I wish upon no one.  Death is a terrible thing and it is known for destroying childhoods and stealing futures.  It will suck the life out of loved ones and there is nothing you can say or do to make them feel better.  You just have to let them feel.  They will dehydrate their eyes and spend nights sleepless but they will get through it.  You do not get over a loss that significant but you get through it, some way or another.

Now for that timeline you created of how your life is supposed to look?  Get rid of it because no one has an eraser large enough to edit it as much as you will have to.  Things will happen with no rhyme or reason and you will have to learn to adjust your sails and adapt to change.  It won't be easy if you are not a go with the flow person but it will be necessary for happiness.  This brings me to the next explanation, your happiness.  Searching for happiness anywhere other than within is not going to help you find it.  It is not hiding somewhere in a clothing rack or pair of shoes.  It is not at the top of the corporate ladder or the bottom of a bag of chips.  It is inside you.

Note that I said losing someone who is still alive is just one of the worst because, quite frankly, these are all shitty things to have to learn on your own.  They each are dreadful in their own ways and this is no different.  Losing someone who is still alive will eat at you until you bite back, which will inevitably happen.  You will be able to walk by them without cringing and you will be able to say their name without stuttering.   You will no longer care what they are thinking or if they miss you as well.  You will survive.  Just as you always have.  You will be resilient.

EMERGENCY ROOMS, SALADS, AND EXCEPTIONS

So here we are, sitting in my car trying to figure out what to do about my date.  Panicked, influenced by friends, and in a hurry, I invited him to come to the Emergency Room with us and to everyone's surprise, he said okay.  I picked him up from his car and he hopped right in.  All I could think was, oh hello, it is going to be you.  You are for sure a keeper.

After a few hours in the ER and I was hooked.  Like really really hooked.  I wanted to know about his family and what his childhood was like.  I wanted to hear his laugh to be the soundtrack of my life.  I wanted to break down on the side of the road so he could be the one to rescue me.  I wanted to be chased by some creature through the woods so he could protect me.  I wanted to find my way into his heart.

We were able to make it to dinner after everything was sorted out. (No worries, my teammate's hand is perfectly fine now, my heart? Not so much.)  Have you ever heard the saying that no great story ever starts with eating a salad? Well, once again, he and I are the exception.  I, naturally, ordered buffalo chicken because that is one of my five major food groups.  He on the other hand, ordered a salad.  Yes, a salad.  He has since told me that he wanted to make a good first date impression but honestly, he could have ordered anything and I would have still been enthralled.

At the end of the date, he was a complete gentleman and walked me up to my room.  For those of you that know, you must be escorted around the building I lived in at the time so I was apprehensive about the situation.  Once he kissed me goodbye though, every worry disappeared.  A single peck and my head was exploding with fireworks. The end of the date for me was perfect however, I have come to learn that on his sneak out of my dorm he was stopped by the student at the desk.  He was questioned over and over but all he replied with was, "I just walked a girl upstairs after our first date.  You are not going to ruin it and make me go get her."  It worked.  The universe made another exception on our behalf, something that would begin to happen often.

FINDING NEMO

The snow really began to fall once I got back from class so I thought it would be a brilliant idea to go get snowed in at my teammate's dorm.  We sat and dilly dallied for a while and came up with another brilliant idea, bunk beds.  We decided to bunk their beds because who doesn't want more room for activities?  After a long debacle of stacking the beds wrong and leaving no room for the bottom bunk, we figured it out and we were practically delirious.  Clearly, that meant it was the best time to Facebook message my crush.  That's right, you read that correctly, Facebook message.

I then sent a line to him that I have yet to live down, "So likkkeeee let's be friends."  Exact quote right there, no joke.  Thankfully, he responded in the best way saying he thought I would never ask.  The rest is history.  Haha kidding.  We both ended up snowed in because of the blizzard that hit, Nemo.  Saturday came and I found out that my meet was cancelled because, although the roads in Providence would be cleared, the other teams could not make it to Rhode Island.  At this point, we had exchanged numbers and he said that we should still meet up and go out on Sunday.  I died-then obviously said yes.

The only thing standing in between the me and going on this date was shoveling my car out of the parking lot.  Except, first, I had to find it.  My teammates and I ventured out into the waist deep snow to find my little car.  Twenty-five minutes later, we were able to locate it under a heap of snow.  With help from the girls and my RA, we were able to get it out in a little over an hour.

With the mess behind us and our bodies defrosted, we woke up Sunday morning to sunshine.  I was as happy as a seagull with a hoagie, it was date day!  For some reason though, when my teammate woke up, her body didn't completely thaw and I got a phone call that I had to take her to the emergency room.  The emergency room?  But it was date day!!

FROM INSIDE MY INSTAGRAM | ONE

It's easy to feel invisible in a world with over 7 billion people. It's easy to think you aren't seen or heard. It's easy to get lost in the everyday commotion. But, I'm here to tell you that You are noticed. You may be heart-broken or hanging at the end of your rope but I will help you bandage your heart and I will tie a knot at the end of your rope so you can hang on. I will help you be kind to yourself. I'm here to tell you that I see your sparkling eyes and hear your soft-spoken words. The only thing I want you to think is invisible is the wind.

MAGIC

"Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places.  Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." Roald Dahl

This is important. 

You are going to live in your own mind for the rest of your life.  You need to make sure it is open.  Open to others and their opinions.  Open to seeing things differently and seeing people differently.  Your mind needs to be open to having faith in yourself and other people because that faith, is magic.

Not only should your mind be open, but it should be curious.  You should want to discover each and every crevice of this world.  Explore the possibilities that life has handed to you and search for the secrets it's hiding.  For those secrets, they are magic.

Make sure your mind is also alert.  For one day, it will no longer be able to watch the world as it carries on around you.  Soak in all the magnificence while you can because eventually, that will be all you are left with.  Those memories, they are magic.

SINGLE AND FAILING TO MINGLE

The child in me was giddy.  I could not believe his body was next to mine somewhere other than my dreams.  I started creating scenarios inside my imagination of what the future might hold.  I was suddenly snapped out of my own thoughts when the professor called out, "Caitlin James."

I nearly choked on his words.  My peers immediately started oohing and ahhing.  I quickly shot my hand up and said, "I'm here! But it is Caitlin Elliott."  I was as red as a scorching sunset on a hot summer night.  Lucky for me, when I glanced in his direction, he didn't seem to mind that the professor just practically announced us as husband and wife. 

I probably shouldn't get ahead of myself though.  We still had a three hour class ahead of us to speak to each other.  PSA:  we probably only said about 30 words to each other.  I could not remember how to flirt or even speak to the opposite sex.  I had been in a relationship for two and a half years and suddenly I was single and failing to mingle.  All I could think was that I had to get my shit together if I wanted to make this man mine.  

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Fast forward two or three weeks and we were sitting in class working on an assignment.  My usual ride home was finishing up but said that he wouldn't be done for another thirty minutes.  I knew that sounded suspicious but I wasn't going to rush him just so I wouldn't have to shuffle the five minutes back to my dorm.  I dramatically decided to wait for the shuttle by the door and knew that my handsome friend would have to walk by and see me (#sneaky).  How could a such a polite person walk by poor little me who is about to trek through the snow?  He couldn't, obviously, so the plan was a success. 

He walked out of class and saw me waiting for the shuttle and asked if I needed a ride.  I jumped at the chance and hopped into his car.  At this point he definitely wasn't a stranger and he wasn't luring me with candy so I figured it would be fine.  He knew I was on the gymnastics team and asked me about the upcoming meet.  To my surprise, he already knew it was at Brown on Sunday and internally, I was squealing.  

He pulled up to my dorm and I was gathering my belongings.  He looked me right in the eye and said, "See you Sunday."  My jaw laid on the sidewalk as he sped away leaving me in a cloud of angst and yearning for more.

JUST LOVE

I love holidays.  Each one brings a different emotion, awareness, and meaning to the day.  Whether it's Christmas or Groundhog Day, there is still something to be excited about.

A personal favorite would have to be the holiday that celebrates the special man in my life.  The one that has never let me down.  He will pick me up when I am out with friends and need a ride at 2am.  He may not always be in the same state as I am but I can always count on him to answer his phone.  He was at every gymnastics meet he could be at and he has never stood me up for a date.  This man lends me money when I need it (I have a terrible habit of leaving my wallet in the car) and he always pays for dinner.  He has seen me at my best and at my worse and you bet he still loves me unconditionally.

I can almost guarantee that you all assumed I was speaking of Father's Day.  It's funny how a description of a holiday can be so closely related to another yet people bash one and not the other.  Yes, that's right.  I am speaking about Valentine's Day.  You could also change out those pronouns in the paragraph above and I could be speaking of Mother's Day.  That's the thing.  Valentine's Day is supposed to be about someone you love just as Mother's and Father's Day are.  They are essentially all the same and putting down Valentine's Day will not change the way the rest of the world celebrates it.  I know you all are questioning why I am comparing these right now so I am going to dive into this unpopular opinion. 

I no longer cherish Father's Day the way I do Valentine's Day because I simply have no reason to.  If you have been keeping up, you are aware that my father passed away when I was ten.  Since then, I have also lost both of my grandfathers.  However, you will not find me disapproving those people who celebrate Father's Day or telling my friends that it is a meaningless holiday.  I choose to spend Father's Day how I do every other day of the year and that is okay.  I challenge you all to look at Valentine's Day the same way.  Just because you are single, it does not mean that you are suddenly entitled to calling the holiday and those who partake in it foolish.  Some of us cherish this holiday because we do not get to celebrate other "Hallmark Holidays" the way they are supposed to be honored.

So, while I celebrate the one I love this February 14th, you can either go about your day or you could try celebrating the love you have for yourself, your family, and your friends.  No whining, no social media rants, no bad mouthing, just love. If you disagree, that's fine, but remember when Father's and Mother's Day roll around, some of us do not have the privilege of enjoying those holidays as much as you do.

FORGET HEARTS, WE WEAR OUR STRENGTH

People who wear their strength on their sleeve are the best type of people.  They know what they want and go after it.  Everyone knows that they have been through hell and that is the brilliancy of it.  They went through hell and didn't drown down there.  They made it out alive and have the scars to prove it.  There is no holding these types of people down.  There is no holding Jordan down.

The bravery I have acquired over the last year has to give some credit to Jordan.  She does not let obstacles hold her back and I think that is why I am so enamored by her.  The ability that Jordan has to make others feel important is admirable.  You will never feel hopeless by her side.

People like her are so important in today's world where you can be so easily torn down.  Feeling hopeless is something that no one should feel.  It is so refreshing to know that Jordan is out there in the world making a difference in all of our lives. Go be a Jordan, y'all.

A DAUGHTER'S FIRST HEARTBREAK

One day I’ll have a daughter and it’s strange to think that you will be the heartbreak I console her with.  I’ll tell her that her heart will stop bleeding and she will stop crying into his sweatshirt one day while I brush his smell out of her hair.  I will tell her that you were the boy that broke me but I was able to fix myself.  I will try to make sure she consumes more than just the voicemails from him and I’ll try to replace his hugs with mine.  We will spend countless days making new memories and try to leave behind theirs because we all know, she won’t forget.  I will tell her that one day she will stop checking the weather where you are.  I will tell her that even though she is engulfed in heartbreak, one day she will be surrounded by love; a love so great that the one that destroyed her will become just be a twinkle in her eye as she fixes her own daughter’s first heart break.