HERE TO HELP
There are many things in this world that people forget to tell you. They'll forget to mention that your first heartbreak won't be the hardest and that if you happen to lose a friend unexpectedly the "what ifs" will be ingrained in your brain. You won't be told that maybe your thought out timeline for life needs some major adjusting or better yet, it should just be thrown out. People don't explain that it does not matter where you are or what you do, if you are not happy in your mind, you will not be happy somewhere new. Moving from place to place to find happiness does not work. And one of the worst things that you will not be told you ask? Having to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.
That is what I am here to tell you though. All of those things, albeit painful and heart wrenching, you are still breathing. You can shout from the mountain tops and hold your breath under a giant crashing wave. You have a life to live and a life to love. There is always beauty in the broken and you will come out of that broken resilient. Now if you are any bit like I am, there is one question you have right now. Why?
Your second heartbreak will hurt more than the first because that second person first had to put your heart back together and then re-break it. They had to break what you took months rebuilding and you know the hard work it took to get where you did. You will realize that you will have to build yourself up all over again and that is what will really hurt. It won't be the boy leaving you because we can live without them, it'll be the fear that you won't be able to make yourself feel okay again. Losing a friend is something I wish upon no one. Death is a terrible thing and it is known for destroying childhoods and stealing futures. It will suck the life out of loved ones and there is nothing you can say or do to make them feel better. You just have to let them feel. They will dehydrate their eyes and spend nights sleepless but they will get through it. You do not get over a loss that significant but you get through it, some way or another.
Now for that timeline you created of how your life is supposed to look? Get rid of it because no one has an eraser large enough to edit it as much as you will have to. Things will happen with no rhyme or reason and you will have to learn to adjust your sails and adapt to change. It won't be easy if you are not a go with the flow person but it will be necessary for happiness. This brings me to the next explanation, your happiness. Searching for happiness anywhere other than within is not going to help you find it. It is not hiding somewhere in a clothing rack or pair of shoes. It is not at the top of the corporate ladder or the bottom of a bag of chips. It is inside you.
Note that I said losing someone who is still alive is just one of the worst because, quite frankly, these are all shitty things to have to learn on your own. They each are dreadful in their own ways and this is no different. Losing someone who is still alive will eat at you until you bite back, which will inevitably happen. You will be able to walk by them without cringing and you will be able to say their name without stuttering. You will no longer care what they are thinking or if they miss you as well. You will survive. Just as you always have. You will be resilient.